In my last posts, I’ve busted several menopause myths about sexual desire. First, it’s not your hormones. Second, responsive desire can remain strong no matter your age or life stage. Third, creams and supplements are not the missing sauce to spice up your sex life.
So what is, then?
There are so many factors that affect libido and the ability to have a thriving, happy sex life at any age. The most common factor is stress. But other factors like health issues and medication side effects are also increasingly common as you age. Usually, there are several factors at play.
In years of helping thousands of people reclaim their desire, I’ve identified the five most common reasons that women lose their desire for sex.
The first is that most women are not sufficiently aroused before having sex.
Did you know that the average amount of time most couples engage in foreplay is only 11-13 minutes?
And did you realize that in order for a woman’s body to be fully ready for intercourse and to experience intense, multiple orgasms, it takes at least 30 (but preferably 45) minutes of foreplay?!
This disconnect is a major reason why women don’t experience as much sexual pleasure as they can (and should). The lack of pleasurable sex leads to decreased interest in sex. If sex doesn’t feel good, why keep doing it?
So this problem compounds itself. If you’re not sufficiently aroused, sex will be mediocre at best. At worst, it will feel painful. If either of these happens, you’re not going to want to have more sex.
Secondly, when you have sex too early, you miss out on the amazing arousal and orgasmic capacity that only women have. When the level of dopamine coursing through your body reaches peak levels through extended foreplay, your orgasms will be far more intense. You’ll be capable of having multiple orgasms. And then the higher dopamine levels will make your body crave even more sex and more orgasms!
So what should you do?
Give yourself time. Lots of time for play and foreplay.
Arousing a woman’s body is a bit like baking a cake in the oven. They both bake from the outside in. Your core arousal sites – nipples and genitals – the tender inside of the cake – are the last parts to get hot. But, if you’re an average person getting just 11-13 minutes of foreplay, your insides haven’t even started to transform from runny batter into soft, tender crumb!
Though some people don’t like the idea of scheduling sex, I find that it’s so important. We all lead busy lives, and if we don’t specifically set aside time for sex, we may not get to it. Set aside a couple hours of sexy time a week, and specify that at least half of that time be foreplay.
In other words: Let the cake get fully baked before you dive in!