A friend of mine has dipped her toes back into the pool of online dating, and Oh Boy, is that pool in need of a thorough cleaning!
She forwarded some of the messages she received, and we marveled at what seems to pass for masculinity these days. As a sex coach, what I’m seeing is deeply disturbing and concerning.
One of the messages my friend received started off by exclaiming about how wonderful she is (which is true). But then at the end, he told her, “Oh and by the way, I hope you’re on hormone therapy because I really enjoy sexual intimacy.”
This was his FIRST MESSAGE! To a STRANGER!
And mind you, my friend isn’t menopausal or even perimenopausal! This guy was just making a totally inept and wrong assumption.
Do better, men!
While this guy seems like a special level of ignorant, part of his problem is one that I see frequently in so many men.
There’s a way in which many men have been socialized to believe that women are tools for their pleasure.
I don’t blame men for this since porn has dominated the way in which many men think they should be having sex.
Lots of fast and hard thrusting and getting off in a similar way to masturbating.
And, frankly, this is just bad sex. Not that hard and fast thrusting is never wanted or warranted. It is! Sometimes! But if that’s all you’re doing, your partner is probably not feeling satisfied (and might even become irritated and sore).
I’m sorry if this is news.
Unless you’re the guy sending my friend clueless messages. Then I’ll say:
Yikes on bikes, dude!
Your misconceptions about sex are going to ensure a crappy sex life, (if any) for you.
The good news is that no matter how you’ve been having sex up to this point, you can learn to do better.
There are skills you can learn that will make your lover crave you!
But if you haven’t signed up for a retreat yet (and what are you waiting for?!) but you want a little taste of what you might learn, let me pass on some teachings by a fellow coach, Layla Martin.
Layla is a tantric sex coach and teacher, and I’ve been savoring her podcast lately. The one I last listened to, which delighted me endlessly, is her interview with researcher and author Jamie Wheal. The episode, titled “Why F**king Better Will Ultimately Save The Planet,” is a super juicy dive into the research about sacred sex practices that will dramatically improve not just your sex life, but also everything! It’s intense, but fun, lively, and so inspiring.
For a shorter and more accessible lesson for men on how to become a better lover, I recommend “Sex Tips for the Divine Masculine.” In that episode, Layla Martin lays out a foundation of ten simple steps men can take.
I’m not saying these steps could necessarily fix the guy who messaged my friend, but they wouldn’t hurt.