To truly experience deep, orgasmic pleasure, you need to be fully embodied. But what, exactly, does that mean? I’m going to dive into the meaning and importance of embodiment and then I will share some resources to help you deepen your personal embodiment (which will make your intimate relationships so much more fulfilling!).
“Embodiment” is a term that is tossed around frequently nowadays, without many people actually understanding its meaning. I define embodiment as “an experiential awareness of the feelings and sensations within our body or the reality that we ‘live in our skin.’”
Embodiment- feeling and experiencing the present moment from inside the physical body rather than just “inside one’s head”- is an absolute necessity for fulfilling relationships. You must be able to connect with yourself- who you really are inside, how you feel, what you think- before you can deeply connect with someone else.
If you spend too much time “in your head” during sex, not only do you have much less chance of having an orgasm, but you also will miss out on experiencing so much pleasure during intimacy!
If you are so focused on giving your partner pleasure, or worried that you look fat, or wondering if you are “doing it right,” you will not be able to experience not only the pleasure of sex, but also the physiological benefits of it as well, like all the feel-good chemicals your brain releases when you are enjoying sex.
But for many of us, getting out of our heads- a place that feels safe and in-control- and actually being present inside our bodies can be a massive challenge. Where do you even start?
A full embodiment practice takes time, and should be something you also pursue outside of the bedroom. My free fourteen-day Body Awakening Adventure (found over at www.myawakebody.com) can give you some great tips for how to live a more embodied life.
But what about a few quick tips that you can use when you are in the midst of an intimate experience? Here are a few things you can try:
- Focus on the breath. Being present in the moment is a core foundational piece of embodiment, and the breath is an easy way to touch that core part of ourselves. Are you breathing fast? Hard? Fully? Or are your breaths shallow and guarded?
Take a full deep breath and use that as an opportunity to move down from your head-space into your physical body.
- Focus on the senses (link to article about 5 senses during sex). Now that you are being more present, take some time to fully experience the senses of the body. Really feel your partner touching and holding you. Smell them, taste them, hear them. Use your sense of sight to really look at them. Notice the way their body moves, the shapes their hair makes on the pillow, the wrinkle on their forehead as they concentrate.
- Don’t worry about what you look/sound like. Many times, we overthink the noises we make or the way our body looks during intimacy, and that instantly pulls us away from experiencing the joy and pleasure of embodiment. Just let go and be open with everything you are experiencing. Stop viewing yourself as if you were a character in a movie- critiquing everything!- and just be.
- Be honest. This can be the scariest part of intimate embodiment, but it is really the most important part. Being honest with yourself and your partner is critical in building a relationship built on trust and love.
If something your partner is doing isn’t ok with you, it is important that you say something. Don’t tolerate things that aren’t tolerable to your soul.
If you are feeling a certain way, don’t hide those emotions from yourself or your partner- speak up!
And if you haven’t addressed past trauma and your intimate relationship is bringing it up, don’t lie to yourself and pretend that everything is ok, because, honestly, it isn’t. Let your partner know what you are feeling and, if there is something they can do to help, tell them and then let them do it.
- Keep re-focusing. Just like when you are trying to meditate, and your mind wanders off thinking about what you want to cook for dinner, or what is going to happen at the office tomorrow, the same thing can happen during sex. Whenever you find yourself “disembodied,” gently bring the attention right back down into the senses. Pick just one to start with (“What physical touch am I experiencing in this moment?”) and then widen your sensual view from there.
- Stop being goal-oriented. You are human, and the human body is programmed to have certain reproductive bodily functions that do a pretty good job of taking care of themselves. So rather than getting caught up in the pressure of climaxing (“It’s coming… It’s coming… why is it taking so long… my partner must be getting bored… I feel so selfish for taking this long… come on…. Just orgasm already!”) bring the focus right back into the present moment (“I love it when I’m touched like that.” “mmmm, yes, more of that please.” “I love this taste- give me more!”). f you can keep bringing the focus back to your body and the sensations that you are feeling, your body will begin to relax, which needs to happen in order for you to climax. And even if an orgasm doesn’t happen, when you’re present you can still enjoy the sensations and pleasure that you do feel, which will be so much better than if you were pressuring yourself to finish.
Try these tips the next time you are intimate with your partner, and, if you want to dive deeper into an embodiment practice, head over to www.myawakebody.com and sign up for the free Body Awakening Adventure.