Dear Xanet,
I’m going through a bit of a sex-life slump. Lately I seem to be attracting only very avoidant men into my life, and I’m tired of dating, as it feels a bit pointless. The men I’ve dated recently have all been, for lack of a better explanation, emotionally incompetent and unwilling to work on themselves. I’m tired of doing all the work, emotional and otherwise.
In my younger, wilder days, I sometimes dated women, and I’m flirting with the idea of doing it again. I find women attractive, and I’m definitely turned on by some women.
Do you think this is wise? Do you have any advice for me?
Sincerely,
How About Them Vulvas?
Dear Once and Future Vulva Explorer,
I hear ya, sister! Recently I overheard someone say, “I don’t get women who are 100 percent straight. Have they not seen other women?” I had to laugh, because I relate! Women are wonderful! While I’m someone who more often chooses to have relationships with men, I identify as bisexual and happily so.
There are, I think, a few great reasons for women to date women.
1. Women tend to be more caring and nurturing.
First, women have usually been socialized to be more nurturing and empathetic. (Not all women, of course, but as a norm. I’m also not saying this should be the norm. I’m just pointing out that it is.) Having a partner who is more caring can help you feel safe, and that feeling of safety can allow you to relax into vulnerability. Being vulnerable is a prerequisite to intimacy, and from the sounds of things, your recent misadventures with men haven’t afforded a lot of intimacy.
2. The sex is often much better.
When we can feel vulnerable, we experience a level of intimacy that’s just not possible otherwise. That deep intimacy heightens our sexual feelings and can lead to some alternate-galaxy-exploring sex. 10/10 recommend.
If you’re worried that the sex might be less satisfying because there is no cock involved, think again. Research suggests that 75 percent of women do not orgasm from penetration alone. For the vast majority of women to orgasm, they usually need the help of hands, toys, or a tongue. Pro tip: Women have all those things! (As a side note, even for the quarter of women who can orgasm from penetration alone, that’s no reason not to make use of all the other fun ways to come!)
Because women know women’s bodies, it only makes sense that women are better than men at know how to help other women feel pleasure.
3. You can disregard gender roles.
So often, women are constrained by what society expects women to be. In a woman-only relationship, there are no gender roles that have to be fulfilled. If sexual polarity interests or excites you, you can still play with submissive and dominant roles, but you can do so without all the hangups that come with those roles’ relationship to patriarchy and the historic oppression of women.
I don’t hate men or think they’re all awful. (Not at all! I’m dating one now who is incredible.). I just wish that men, in general, would do better in relationships. Let’s face it – almost everyone has experienced trauma, and almost everyone needs a counselor. But if we look at who’s actually getting therapy, it’s mostly women. According to CDC statistics, in 2019 almost twice as many women as men have received mental health care in the previous 12 month period (24.7 percent of women, as opposed to a dismal 13.4 percent of men).
So my advice is this: Dive right in. Not to just any vulva, but obviously pick a lovely woman and take some time to explore this aspect of your sexuality.
Do you have questions about your sexuality, or are you looking to switch up your sex life and want guidance? Then please, reach out!
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