Today I wanted to address some of the concerns moms have when it comes to their sexuality or sexual being. This is an issue that a lot of couples deal with, especially women who have just become new mothers.
It shows up in different ways but the most common one is a type of identity crisis. For example, there is the before motherhood identity and then there is after becoming a mother. Questions like:
- Who am I as a lover?
- A sexual being?
- A partner?
- And who am I now?
It swirls and bubbles up to the surface changing the intimacy we can feel with a partner.
There is often a switch that gets flipped for women based on a lot of the social conditioning that we received— the idea that we can’t both be a nurturer and a mother, and also a sexual individual and a lover.
I know there are a lot of realities of being a new mother and sex. One of the biggest ones is the struggle of finding time for yourself and how exhausted you feel. The next is the rise, or overflow of your oxytocin levels due to the constant touch from your baby. Lastly, is the Madonna Whore Complex. The concept or belief that a man wants to have sex with the whore, but marry the Madonna. And many women also have difficulty switching between these two roles.
Here are some of the things you can do to be able to overcome those obstacles:
Start bringing more sensual pleasure into your life.
You can do this by making your body feel good. Be it through enjoying a hot bath or shower, enjoying a meal you like, stimulating your senses through essential oils or lotion., Do not forget to take even a few minutes to pamper yourself. This will help ignite and liven the 5 senses.
Ignite your confidence and improve your body image.
You can do this simply by dancing and swaying to your favorite music, putting on nice lingerie, getting out of the comfortable clothes and dressing up sexy every now and then just for you. Even wearing sexy underwear under normal street clothes will help bring out some of your sexy!
**Tip for the partners: Compliment her. Tell her she is sexy and beautiful. Assure and validate her. Ask her what you could do to help her feel better about herself and her image.
Make sex one of the priorities in the relationship
Put it on the calendar. Plan it out and make time for it. Send each other flirty texts or messages to build up the heat for the dedicated day. I know people might think this would be boring, BUT it actually helps to get the spontaneity back. How? Since you are teasing each other and building up to that dedicated day, you are increasing desire, which leads to wanting each other more physically.
Being a mother is awesome, and I struggled with sex too when I first became a mother. The key takeaway here is that you need to know and remember that the lover inside of you still exists. She just needs a little bit of help, support and permission. You need to remember that “mother” and “lover” can definitely co-exist in harmony.