The Huffington Post just published a great article about the most common sex problems and low libido and mismatched desire among couples was the number one problem identified by sex experts. In my coaching practice, I see a lot of women who complain how they no longer have desire for sex with their partner and are longing for the beginning days of their relationship. Low libido and waning desire often happens after the new relationship energy wears off, usually around six to nine months after a couple gets together.
There are several reasons why one partner might experience low libido
- Low libido due to relationship issues. Very often, problems with sex, including decreased desire is actually related to underlying issues in a relationship, such as anger, resentment, and mistrust. Sexual problems in a relationship is often the symptom, not the problem. In these situations, the work needs to be done to first repair the relationship before the sex problems can actually be addressed. When the relationship is repaired, the desire to have sex often returns on its own.
- Low libido due to boredom. Many couples describe their sex as “Vanilla Sex”, meaning that its rote, boring, and very conventional. This often happens because we get into a routine with sex, just like we get into other routines in our life. Very often one partner is interested in exploring more unconventional sex but they are afraid to bring this up with their partner for fear of hurting them.
- Low libido due to not knowing what we want and how to ask for it. When new relationship energy wears off, we often need to re-create our sexual relationship with our partner. Understanding our own arousal pattern and what turns us on and off is crucial to be able to communicate our desires..which leads to increased libido.
- Low libido due to poor communication with our partner. When we don’t feel safe talking to our partner about what we’re experiencing sexually or our sexual desires, it can really cause our desire to have sex to plummet. If we don’t believe that we are going to be heard, then it’s unlikely that we are also going to want to be touched.
The worst thing to do if you are experiencing low libido or mismatched desire in a relationship is to do nothing and pretend that it will go away or get better. Not only will it not go away, it will likely get worse and anger and resentment will continue to grow, imperiling the relationship itself. Low libido problems can be solved but you have to ask for help.