Did you know that the way that men and women get sexually aroused are vastly different? The reason why all goes back to our anatomy.
Men wear their sexual equipment, penis, and testicles, on the outside of their body. This provides them with a constant connection between sensation on their genitals and sexual arousal which starts around puberty. Men’s brains and bodies are therefore wired to make this association which is why the moment you touch a man's penis, he starts to feel aroused. Since men experience arousal this way, it makes sense that they would believe that women are exactly the same way. but in reality, arousal in women is very different than in men.
Women experience sensation differently.
For starters, unlike men, all of our sexual arousal equipment, with the exception of our nipples, are on the inside of our body. If you start by touching a woman's genitals, by going right to her pussy or her clitoris, she may not be happy about it. In fact, she may even push back. The biggest complaint that I hear from women all the time, is that a man just immediately goes to the breast and the genitals when she's just not ready. This is just a huge difference again, between men and women. So when I say go slow, I really mean go slow when it comes to women's arousal.
A woman's body is like a cake being baked in the oven. A cake bakes from the outside in. The center of the cake, the place that's most raw, gets cooked the slowest. Just like baking a cake, women typically have to be warmed up a lot more than men. I usually tell my clients that the minimum amount of foreplay, which includes stroking and kissing and oral sex, should be about 30-45 minutes before penetration.
Most couples are just like, “What? Are you kidding? If sex lasts for 10 or 15 minutes, we're happy.”
I get that. The quickie is awesome sometimes. But it takes a longer time for women to be aroused. This also goes for women masturbating themselves as a self-loving practice. Start with a light touch on the arms, the legs, the neck, or any of those erogenous zones that start to increase arousal.
Look for signs of arousal.
There are signs that we want to look for to see where your partner is on the arousal scale. If her breathing starts to get heavier, if she's starting to get wet, or starts to make some noises these are signs that she’s feeling aroused.
It’s important to go slow before the moment you finally get into genital touching. Again, a really common mistake that we make when we're trying to arouse ourselves, or our partners, is to go right for the clit. For many women, that's a big - absolute no.
The clit is a very, very sensitive place. If you take your finger and you rub your eyelid, you will start to feel sensation and how raw it can feel. That's how it feels for women's clitoris that is not ready to be touched.
There’s more to the clitoris.
This is a 3-D model of a woman's clitoris. Take notice of how many pieces of the clitoris exist. Many people think that the clitoris is just the part we can see but in fact, there's a whole series of erectile tissue in most of it. 75% of it is internal in the vagina and in the lips of the vulva, these are called clitoral legs.
Now, if a woman is not aroused, you may or may not be able to feel it. If you're stimulating yourself, you may not be able to feel it without being aroused. This is erectile tissue, so by its nature, it expands. It’s the same way a penis gets larger by the blood flowing into it, causing it to engorge.
And all of this tissue can be aroused with stimulation. It may be a little harder to reach because it's not external, but by putting pressure on the sides of the outer lips of a woman's pussy or the Vulva, you will start to feel these legs. You can stimulate them. You can put pressure on them, you can vibrate them. Many women can have orgasms just from having their clitoral legs stimulated.
Another piece of erectile tissue is the vestibular bulbs. They are internal within the lips of the vulva. You may notice if you (or your partner) starts getting aroused that not only will the color of her lips start changing, to get a brighter red or purple, but the lips start to get puffy. They're getting puffy because the erectile tissue in the vestibular bulbs start to engorge which makes the lips of the vulva engorge as well. A lot of the time we don’t focus all our effort on this little part of the body but, by stimulating the lips through massaging, licking, and using a lot of hand pressure, you will help engorge the vestibular bulbs, which feels really, really delicious for women as well.
One of my colleagues has this great expression that basically says, think about a woman's entire body as being her pussy. Her entire body can be stroked, licked, bitten and kissed. All of that helps to build up arousal in a woman before you go directly to the genitals. The more aroused she is on the outside, the easier it's going to be for penetration to happen. And both of you will be much happier!
Sex & Intimacy Coach, Best Selling Author and Your Guide To Healing Yourself With Sex, Awakening Your Pleasure and Living An Orgasmic Life