As a sex and intimacy coach, one would think that I know everything about what it’s like to experience intimacy.
But intimacy, unlike golf or tennis, has no clear rules. While there are skills that we can learn along the way (presence, communication, knowing your needs and desires), each intimate relationship has its own unique twists and turns. Unlike your tennis game, your intimacy game has to be recreated each time.
At a recent Tantra workshop, I had the privilege and honor to share a journey of intimacy with a fellow participant who we will call QM. Given QM’s background as a marriage and family therapist, his wit, acuity and presence of mind, we decided to become “intimacy scientists” and dissect our relationship as it was developing in real time.
Even though our whole workshop relationship lasted for only five days, it was remarkable how it followed what I consider to be a normal relationship flow. Attraction, building dating trust and intimacy, becoming a couple, noticing our fears around intimacy, contracting, and then rebuilding at a different level. There was profound learning in the exercise and we also faced plenty of challenges.
Here’s what I learned about creating intimacy:
In a growing relationship, boundaries are constantly shifting. Yesterday’s rules are yesterday’s rules. We can’t know where they are today without asking. Often times we don’t know where the line is until we cross it. Bringing our compassionate self to the relationship is critical.
When we come up against true intimacy with someone whose heart is open and is available, we face two choices. We can move forward or we can move backwards but we can’t just stay in one place. The decision we chose is a reflection of our past behaviors and patterns and how willing and ready we are to face our fear of intimacy.
A key lesion that QM and I learned is how important it is to accept contraction as an inevitable part of intimacy. An Intimacy Jedi looks forward to its arrival as an opportunity to prove one’s mettle and build an even deeper level of intimacy.
QM and I left the workshop with a growing friendship, a commitment to keep communication flowing, and to continue to wear our intimacy research hats.
Sex & Intimacy Coach, Best Selling Author and Your Guide To Healing Yourself With Sex, Awakening Your Pleasure and Living An Orgasmic Life